Word Vomit and a Lack of Motivation
Something strange is happening to me. I have gotten so little work done since last Thursday, it’s insane. I’m not sure whether it is because I am burnt out, or because I have so much work that I want to pretend like none of it is actually there. I don’t know, but I don’t like it, and pretty soon, I’ll be having to pull all-nighters to get all this work done. Prior to Thursday, my work ethic (this quarter, at least) was incredible: I had all of my days planned out, the expected number of hours it would take me to do each item on my to-do list, never procrastinated. And so it was that my average bedtime was 12:30, that I’d wake up every morning at 8 or 9 refreshed and ready to do it all over again. I did nothing but study, and my productivity was amazing.
But last Thursday, I decided to slack off, and then the next day, I didn’t want to do work either. And then the weekend came along, I wrote an essay and studied Chinese, but for the most part, slacked off again. And then the week started, and I wrote essays for an application, edited some writing, studied Chinese, but still, for the most part, I slacked off. On Tuesday, a friend of mine convinced me to bring my violin back to the dorm, and that evening, I spent three hours having “jam sessions,” or as close to jam sessions as I will ever get, as a classically trained violinist. We played arrangements for piano and violin, and then (!) some friends and I read Vivaldi’s Concerto for Four Violins. It was the most fun I had had all quarter (possibly all year!), and afterwards, I was in too good of a mood to do work. So I went up to my friend’s room and listened to him give me a presentation on biology (which was interrupted frequently by my questions), which was absolutely fascinating and re-sparked my love for biology. It was such a great day (topped off with a wonderful mug of honey citron tea), and I was so happy that the following day (yesterday), I found it very hard to do work. I talked to friends, did some Chinese homework, and, yet again, like I had been doing for the last week, slacked off again.
My friend said that it’s easier to do work when you’re mopey. Then doing work is a way to avoid being mopey. Maybe I’ve been too happy recently to do work. But I love doing work! I really do! I really love learning and I really love feeling like my brain is growing! It makes me really happy when I do problem sets because I learn so much from them! So why is it that I’m procrastinating? Why would I ever want to deprive myself of something that I know will make me happy? I’m homesick. I want to go home. I don’t want to take finals. I just miss home.