Home for the Holidays

It’s been a while, I know, and I’m not quite sure I know how I came to get off on such a long hiatus. I hope it won’t happen again.

This last quarter has been quite a ride, and now that I’ve finally gotten a chance to sit down, to breathe, to think about the last eleven weeks that went by in a whirlwind of work, work, and more work, I can actually reflect back on this quarter. Sort of. To be honest, most of this last quarter has gone by too quickly. One moment I was struggling to write a thesis for my first English paper. And then before I knew it, I was thanking my math professor, handing him my final exam, and opening the door of the math department to let in the cold winter air. I breathed in the mist and let out that breath in warm, cloudy white puffs. Winter break.

I flew home a few days ago, and it’s been wonderful spending time with family and a couple friends, though many are only just starting to fly in from various parts of the country. In a few days, most of us will be reunited, exhausted from finals but glad to be home, where our friendships first began. Yes, I love school, and when I am there, it is home for me. But Home will always be here, where my family is. Home. It is wonderful to be home for the holidays.

I should apologize here for the incohesiveness of this post… perhaps holiday-induced intellectual debilitation has already begun. Or perhaps my brain decided to take a holiday also. In either case, I think it would be best if I stopped writing in paragraphs and made a list. Here is a list of things I have thought about recently. Some involve the past. Some involve the future. Others are in-betweeners.

1. I think this quarter has been the most intellectually fulfilling quarter yet. I hope next quarter will be just as amazing as this quarter has been.

2. My schedule next term sounds a bit like a high schooler’s schedule… English, Geometry, Algebra II, Music, Chinese. I am quite looking forward to it.

3. I miss taking pictures. I will try to do that more over break. And maybe next quarter also.

4. I’d like to exercise more. Maybe I’ll start walking in the mornings.

5. The world’s a beautiful place. I love the mountains. And here, the sunrises are beautiful. I would like to go hiking sometime. Soon, if possible.

6. Reading list for winter break only has a few books on it. Atkinson, Oates, Styron. Then I can head to the used bookstore and not feel to guilty about picking up a couple more books to add to my winter list.

7. I love Pandora.

8. I can’t believe that this decade is coming to a close.

9. New Year’s Resolution: Keep all new year’s resolutions.

10. This song is beautiful: Song for You by Alexi Murdoch.

24 Hours Until the Clock Chimes Midnight and the Insanity of NaNoWriMo and All Its Lovely Wonders Begin

Goal? 50,000 words. By: 11:59 pm, November 30. Why? Because it’s NaNoWriMo and it’s going to be insane and, most importantly, why not? Oh, right. Sleep. Ha. But! NaNoWriMo! Yay! :D

The Insanity of a 24-Unit Workload

When I registered for my full 20-unit schedule, successfully petitioned to the university registrar for permission to take 22 units, and then decided to audit two additional seminars, I don’t think I really understood what it would mean to go to 24 hours of class every week. It’s not that I thought it would be easy or even manageable; I just didn’t fully understand that I would have class during most of my waking hours of the day, pushing my work hours back into my regular sleep schedule.

Prior to this last week, it was actually alright, I think. I would wake up early to write papers or get ahead in reading, study between classes, do my problem sets on weekends, leaving only a few problems left to finish during the week before the Friday deadline. And despite the insane amount of class and the insane amount of work, I was still managing to tutor, organize events for a student club, and socialize with dormmates. And then last weekend, I spent three days in Ashland for the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. It was absolutely amazing and was, I think, a well-deserved break that followed a particularly stressful week. But. During the three days I spent in awe of the fall foliage of Oregon and the beauty of the rising and falling hills and valleys and streams, schoolwork piled up and by the time I was ready to start reverting back to an academic mindset, I was already far behind. Far behind on a week that was going to be a busy week already. And so in my attempt to catch up on work, my sleep schedule went haywire and I have, over the last week, gotten an astonishing 22 hours of sleep. Yes. 22. As in, I spent more time in class than I did asleep. Crazy? Yes. Absolutely insane.

In the dining hall, most people would greet me with the oh-so-positive observation: “You look tired.” And when I told them all the work I had to do, they would smile, pat me on the back, and say, “You can do it. Just think… after this week, it’ll all be over.” What I neglected to tell people was that last week was only the first of a sequence of several busy weeks. This week, I have 3 essays, 2 midterms, and 1 oral presentation. Next week, I have 1 essay, 1 mini-essay, 1 oral response, and NaNoWriMo will kick off with what will probably be a sleep-deprived start. Point is: I’m busy. I’m tired. And now, at 4:26 am, I’m finally going to bed. The sad thing is, this is the earliest I’ve gone to sleep since… Tuesday night.

The Tears of the Weather God

It’s the middle of October and outside, the leaves are beginning to look like Fall. The edges of the roads are strewn with fallen leaves: faded green and burnt orange, pale yellow and rusty brown. Today was the first time I noticed. But maybe that’s because today was the first time I walked to class.

I want to know why the weather god is crying. That’s why I walked to class. I held my umbrella up and pushed the dome of it against the wind so it wouldn’t flip inside-out. As though I were scared of the rain, I looked down at my feet as I walked, watching flecks of mud speckle the white tips of my converse and feeling the water seeping in through the black fabric. My socks soaked through.

To minimize the amount of water that was beginning to pile up in the plastic buckets of my sneakers, I made sure to step on the driest parts of the sidewalk. You could tell where the dips were in the concrete because when the rain came down, there’d be this reaction like the puddle was empathizing with the tears. Maybe that’s what happens with humans, too.

When the weather god cries, the earth reacts. When someone close to us cries, we react, too. I guess it just makes you think about how everything is all inter-related. What we feel affects those around us, what those around us feel affects us. And when you think about it, maybe the analogy goes even further. Just as we put umbrellas up to shield ourselves from the tears of the weather god, perhaps sometimes, we have to put umbrellas up to shield ourselves from the tears of those around us. Not in the sense that we shut them out, but in the sense that we empathize with caution, we support without being crushed, we lend a shoulder but remind ourselves that it is still our shoulder.

I hope that I know how to do this. I hope that I know when to feel the rain on my skin and when to hold up an umbrella. And I hope that these tears stop falling.

The Early AM

When it comes down to it, I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. This quarter’s gotten off to a rough start and so here I am in the early AM, trying to work out how I am going to manage academics, work, sleep, and a social life. On weekdays, I wake up before 8, leave the dorm at 9, and don’t get back until 10 in the evening, which amounts to an average of 13-hour school days. I study when I wake up until when I leave the dorm, I study during the one-hour or two-hour slots between classes, I study when I get back in the evening until I fall asleep, worn out from yet another busy day. And on weekends, between hours of reading and hours of work, I try to spend time with my roommate, who I rarely see during the week, and wander the halls to socialize with my fellow dormmates.

It does indeed sound insane. And yes, to an extent, it is insane. But it’s also wonderful. I assure you that my schedule is not actually as intense as it sounds (it helps that I love all my classes) and that the workload I have taken on this quarter is actually feasible without the possession of superpowers. I love being busy. Busy is good for me and, therefore, this quarter is and will be good, I think. It’s just getting in the groove of things that is exhausting. After a humdrum, sit-on-your-donkey-all-day summer, this super-packed, run-from-meeting-to-class-to-work-to-class-etc fall quarter is quite a change. But things are settling down, I think, and things are becoming more stable.

I can’t believe it’s already been three weeks since term began. At the end of the first week, it felt like a month had gone by. And now, it feels like I arrived on move-in day a week ago. It was a shock to open my planner a couple Thursdays ago and see that September had come and gone, and now, with my birthday coming up in less than a week, I find it difficult to fully feel the time that seems to be so suddenly slipping by.

A lot of things have happened that I wish had happened differently, but that’s what a lot of life seems to be about, right? Looking at the cards you’re dealt, sometimes followed by complaining a little about their perceived crappiness, and then making the most of whatever you have in your hands.

October Greetings

It’s 11:55 pm on the 1st of October, and probably by the time I finish typing up this blog post, midnight will have come and gone. I’m sitting up in my lofted bed, giving me a bird’s eye view of my room. It’s quite nice up here. Despite my fear of heights, I actually quite enjoy being so close to the ceiling. It’s like I’ve had some sort of post-pubescent growth spurt. It’s also quite interesting to think that only a couple feet above my head, the residents of the second floor are pacing around. Below me, the rest of my room is in darkness, and the faint glow of light coming through the sheer curtains (there’s a lamppost right outside my room) is glimmering off the columns and columns of photographs on my wall, off my one and only picture frame, off the shiny bindings of textbooks.

It makes me sad that so much of my experience of my room this year has been at this hour, when all is silent but for the sound of footsteps above me, when all is dark but for the glow outside, when I am alone. These last two weeks, I have spent more time asleep in my room than I have awake, and when you factor things in like the weekend, that’s quite a statement. My schedule has had me out of the dorm by 9 am and back at 10 pm on every single weekday. You’d think it would be exhausting, but it’s been fine thus far. Surprisingly. Not that I’m complaining or anything… I just thought it’d be more stressful than it has been.

This quarter I am auditing two credits, enrolled for twenty-two, working at least ten hours a week, and am an major event coordinator for an organization. I thought I’d be way over-my-head in work and just barely keeping up, but this week has been quite comfortable. There is no doubt that I have quite a lot of work to do, but all things considered, these last few days have really been alright. I am more emotionally stable than I was last week and am therefore more able to concentrate on my work, the new event I organized went splendidly well today, and in general, things are going quite smoothly.

Only shock of today: it’s already October.

It’s a new month, and a new month calls for resolutions. So:

1. Spend more time in room and with roommate (!!!)
2. Keep up with work and get ahead if possible.
3. NEVER procrastinate.
4. Sleep an average of 6 hours per night, 8 hours on weekends.
5. Go to office hours and talk to professors.
6. Plan for NaNoWriMo, which is going to be amazing.
7. Get ahead of HW and essays and reading before November starts.
8. Talk more during English discussions.
9. Practice violin more regularly.
10. Continue meeting new people! :)

But for now… bed time! Good night! Happy October!

Academic Stabilization and Emotional Instability

It’s been a week since term started and luckily, I am no longer terrified by this quarter’s workload. For the most part, I have come to terms with my busy schedule and by the end of next week, I think most everything will have settled down. I am getting used to days of leaving the dorm at 8 am and getting back after 10 pm, and my study schedule is morphing itself to squeeze between classes, meetings, work hours. It is comforting to feel secure enough to sit down and steadily, diligently, calmly do my problem set, read Forster’s Howards End, memorize Chinese characters. Today, at least, there is no lurking feeling of panic that there are not enough hours to finish off my to-do list. It’s nice, this way. Perhaps it is asking for too much, but I do hope that this quarter continues to be this way.

But as my academic life seems to be stabilizing itself, my social life seems to be taking quite an emotional toll. It isn’t making new friends that’s the overwhelming part; in fact, it has been wonderful meeting all the new people in the dorm and the freshmen are fantastically enthusiastic and friendly. The emotional exhaustion seems to stem from trying to resolve issues of a friendship/relationship that abruptly took a turn down the wrong road. There is just so much to feel, and no matter how much I try to talk it out with my close friends, sometimes, all I want to do is just let it all go, blow up, explode.

What keeps me back are the questions. What would be the use of such an explosion? What would I achieve? And after all that has happened, what do I expect? What should I expect? Is there something I expect to gain from an emotion-driven confrontation? And after rationalizing it out, I calm the fire that burns inside me, and again and again, I keep the things that piss me off to myself, bottling it up and shoving it behind my protective brick wall.

I fear that there will be some day when I can no longer control the massive amount of pure feeling I keep inside. What would happen if, for once, I let someone see the raw emotions that I keep under lock and key? What would happen to my wall if I lost the strength to guard it?

Perhaps these feelings will pass and what has happened will merge into part of the past that we can acknowledge with a mature, knowing nod. And maybe all I need is time to stop wondering why and how and just accept things the way they are. I can only hope that I can find a way to come to terms with everything and be at peace like I was before things progressed beyond acquaintanceship. Anything beyond that is, at the moment, rather unfathomable.

Pre-Quarter Thoughts

Term is about to begin and I am:

• excited beyond belief
• ready to take on a 23-unit, 7-class schedule
• looking forward to meeting new people and seeing old friends
• making a list of resolutions
• going to try to not break any of the aforementioned resolutions
• promising myself to actually mail all letters I write to friends
• trying to decorate my room better than I did last year
• getting used to the busy academic life again
• preparing myself to take on the challenges of this quarter
• determined to not lose my sanity
• etc.
• scared shitless

So yes. Excited beyond belief, but also scared shitless. And a whole bunch of other stuff in between. Holy shiitake mushrooms. This quarter is going to be insane.

This Summer’s Waning Away

As my suitcases get fuller and fuller, I am only just beginning to register that this summer is coming to an end. Before I know it, I will be flying back to college, returning to the wonders and dramas of dorm life, and running from class to the library to work and back again, my schedule piled up with places to be and people to meet. And after a three-month summer that has been so focused on doing the things I didn’t have time to do during the school year, I’m afraid that the sudden jolt back to academic life will be overwhelming.

Since June, I have spent my days recovering from sleep debt (which, comparatively speaking, was not all that significant) and letting my ample free time glide by undisturbed. Hours were spent lounging outside on the porch, writing and reading. But not all days were spent in solitary relaxation; with my newly free schedule, I finally had the time to spend time with friends I had not seen in months. It was lovely: no pressure to read before an upcoming lecture, no deadlines flying in faster than I could keep up, no guilt when I took the time to actually enjoy life.

I’ve gotten to know a few of my friends more than I had in high school. It’s an incredible feeling to get to see and appreciate someone as more than just an acquaintance. People never fail to surprise me in their amazingness, their quirks, their beings. It’s really quite something to open your heart and let people in.

There are, of course, the times when people disappoint you, but I like to think that everyone is good at heart. That is not to say that we should befriend everyone we meet and let them in on the most personal aspects of our lives. In fact, I think trust is one of the things I have learned to be more careful about doling out. It’s such a precious thing, and I think that handing it out like free samples is too much of a risk to take. For me, at least.

But this is not to say that we should guard it with moat, a stone wall, and an army of archers. It’s good to trust, and despite the emotional risk, it feels good to know that there are people out there who will catch you when you fall. Trust is a wonderful thing and I guess what I am beginning to learn is this: that there are people out there who will surprise you, for better or for worse. Judge too quickly and you may turn away someone who could be one of your closest, most trustworthy friends. Trust too easily and your heart may feel like it has suddenly been thrown out on a line, the cord ripping at the fragile lining that keeps you whole. I guess what I need to learn is where and when to draw the line.

But for all the ups and downs of these last few months, I think I am, in general, glad of the way things turned out. I have learned, I have experienced, I have felt. I wish I could write about the events of my summer so that one day, when I reread journal entries, I can immerse myself in these wonders. But I guess some feelings can only be preserved in memory, and for that, I am grateful. We at least have our brain and our heart and the rest of our organs to lock in the experiences of our past. There are, of course, things I wished had not happened, and as for those, I guess what I need to learn now is how to forgive.

Before I know it, I will be back to the thrills of a college girl’s busyness. There will be classes to attend, notes to sort through, essays to write, problem sets to do, people to tutor, and, most importantly, friends to keep and make. Perhaps my sleep hours will be reduced. And perhaps my schedule will go from open time-slots to pages of hasty scribbles. But really, it’s all a part of life and experience and I’d really hate to see everything go by in an unhappy blur.

Post-Breakup Dynamics: Person A, Person B, and Person C

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. So I have taken to watching episodes of Will and Grace in order to tire my eyes out enough to make sleep an inevitability. Last night, I watched one particular episode depicting the aftermath of Grace’s breakup with one particular boyfriend. After a few days spent in bed, she mustered the strength to take a step out of her room, only to learn that her ex-lover had already found another woman, which sent her straight back to the bedroom. My question is this: why does it hurt so much when one’s ex-significant-other finds another lover in a short period of time?

I was distracted for the remainder of the episode, thinking about this question. I mean, once the romantic relationship is over, why should one care about when the other finds another person to snog? To make references easier, let us consider Person A and Person B, who are no longer seeing each other. Person B has found Person C, with whom Person B is now involved romantically. So I thought about these things:

• Perhaps the fact that it was so easy for Person B to find Person C makes Person A feel… replaceable.
• So would Person A prefer if Person B were to feel the pain of the recent breakup for a decent amount of time before finding Person C? In which case, doesn’t this imply that Person A is happier if Person B stays miserable for a (relatively) extended period of time? Doesn’t that seem cruel and unfair?
• In a way, it isn’t completely Person B’s fault that he or she met Person C so soon after the breakup. After all, life keeps going, people meet people, and things happen.
• Would it be a courtesy to Person A if Person B were to wait before proceeding with romantic developments with Person C? But why would Person B owe this courtesy to Person A if their intimate relationship had already ended? If they remained friends, then perhaps. But if not? What obligates Person B to consider that Person A may be upset by Person B’s intimacy with Person C?
• How far does this extend? Can Person B date casually without further hurting Person A? Or is it also frowned upon to simply date after a relationship has ended? Why?
• I suppose one of the dangers is that Person C could be the “rebound” of Person B. Does Person A’s upsetness about Person B’s new relationship involve the consideration of the emotional well-being of Person C?
• It feels to me like Person A’s pain of seeing Person B in a romantic relationship with Person C is more out of jealousy of Person C rather than concern. Perhaps Person A compares himself or herself to Person C, wondering why a Person B would choose Person C over Person A. What does Person C have that I don’t?, Person A may wonder.
• But don’t we all know that the spark between two people is not completely dependent on the “goodness” of the two people? And how do we measure this “goodness” anyway? Can we really compare two people and make an objective judgment as to who is the “better” person? If no, then can we say that the average person is not necessarily a better person than a serial murderer?
• If we know that the “goodness” of Person A vs. Person C is not necessarily indicative of the success of the Person-A-Person-B relationship vs. the Person-C-Person-B relationship, then perhaps what Person A may wonder is not, What does Person C have that I don’t?, but rather, Why would Person B choose Person C over me?, which is essentially the question, What is it that Person C has that I don’t that draws Person B to him or her?, which takes us back to the previous thought process.
• Is this a pointless discussion?

In the end, maybe it really is that we want our ex-lovers to feel the pain that we feel post-breakup in the same intensity and duration. And because this cannot possibly be measured exactly, perhaps we use the period of time it takes to find someone else as a quantification of how much and how long we hurt. Thus, when Person B finds Person C shortly after the Person-A-Person-B breakup, Person A is hurt because Person A interprets this event as an indication of Person B’s lesser post-breakup pain. But this, again, seems wrong. Doesn’t this still mean that Person A would rather Person B hurt more?

Maybe this isn’t even worth thinking about. At least it helped me go to sleep last night. I probably got so tired of listening to myself that sleeping was a better alternative to continuing my loop-dee-doop-dee thought process. But if anyone has any thoughts on this matter, I’m all ears.