Nighttime Musings

I have never been much of a fan of post-sundown hours. There is something about the dark that makes my mind wander: thoughts that begin with the curiosity of the cause of a particular rustling quickly turn to worst-case scenarios, each hypothetical more dramatic, haunting, gruesomely fatal than the last. For me, the night is a sinkhole of horror stories waiting to happen.

Maybe it’s more than just that, though. During the day, I spend quite a bit of energy trying to meet life’s social demands. You know, when laughter and smiles are appreciated and sometimes even expected. And when I’m not making small talk with classmates and acquaintances, my energy is devoted to staying focused during lecture, at work, in the library. And when all I’m doing is sitting on a bench, daydreaming, my energy is spent putting up a defense wall against all potentially unpleasant memories. So I guess I live most of my life trying to forget pain. By the end of the day, when my energy level is nearing empty, there is not enough left to keep unhappy thoughts at bay. As the night wears on, I find myself feeling increasingly vulnerable, and when left to my own thoughts, sometimes I can’t seem to muster the strength to keep on a happy face. Perhaps my dislike of the night is related to my dislike of seeming anything short of happy?

I was going to write more about this. I had planned on writing a cohesive blog post for once. But it already seems to be fraying between phrases and sentences and paragraphs. Maybe it’s just too late for anything good to be written. Maybe I should just go to sleep and recharge for another day of laughter and smiles and happy faces.

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~ by thechanster on 1:40 am, Friday, August 28, 2009.

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