Academic Stabilization and Emotional Instability

It’s been a week since term started and luckily, I am no longer terrified by this quarter’s workload. For the most part, I have come to terms with my busy schedule and by the end of next week, I think most everything will have settled down. I am getting used to days of leaving the dorm at 8 am and getting back after 10 pm, and my study schedule is morphing itself to squeeze between classes, meetings, work hours. It is comforting to feel secure enough to sit down and steadily, diligently, calmly do my problem set, read Forster’s Howards End, memorize Chinese characters. Today, at least, there is no lurking feeling of panic that there are not enough hours to finish off my to-do list. It’s nice, this way. Perhaps it is asking for too much, but I do hope that this quarter continues to be this way.

But as my academic life seems to be stabilizing itself, my social life seems to be taking quite an emotional toll. It isn’t making new friends that’s the overwhelming part; in fact, it has been wonderful meeting all the new people in the dorm and the freshmen are fantastically enthusiastic and friendly. The emotional exhaustion seems to stem from trying to resolve issues of a friendship/relationship that abruptly took a turn down the wrong road. There is just so much to feel, and no matter how much I try to talk it out with my close friends, sometimes, all I want to do is just let it all go, blow up, explode.

What keeps me back are the questions. What would be the use of such an explosion? What would I achieve? And after all that has happened, what do I expect? What should I expect? Is there something I expect to gain from an emotion-driven confrontation? And after rationalizing it out, I calm the fire that burns inside me, and again and again, I keep the things that piss me off to myself, bottling it up and shoving it behind my protective brick wall.

I fear that there will be some day when I can no longer control the massive amount of pure feeling I keep inside. What would happen if, for once, I let someone see the raw emotions that I keep under lock and key? What would happen to my wall if I lost the strength to guard it?

Perhaps these feelings will pass and what has happened will merge into part of the past that we can acknowledge with a mature, knowing nod. And maybe all I need is time to stop wondering why and how and just accept things the way they are. I can only hope that I can find a way to come to terms with everything and be at peace like I was before things progressed beyond acquaintanceship. Anything beyond that is, at the moment, rather unfathomable.

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~ by thechanster on 10:59 pm, Saturday, September 26, 2009.

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